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How To Write A Book With Someone Who Died In 1799

April 18, 2022

Caricature of best-selling author James Patterson holding up pencils and finger puppets of early American presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, and William Henry Harrisonblank vertical space, 24 pixels highI write about marketing and illustration on this blog, but I also write humor pieces which I publish on the Medium platform.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

I have a new one about bestselling author James Patterson. Here are a few excerpts. You can read the whole thing here.blank vertical space, 40 pixels high

James Patterson— how many books has that guy written, anyway?? They’re full of sex and murder and the plots are absurd, but they sell a billion-jillion copies, and you can’t wait for the next one because they’re so much easier to read than Ulysses or War and Peace.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

Mr. Patterson teamed up with former president Bill Clinton to write The President Is Missing. A stylometric analysis indicates the President really was missing when the book was being written. Patterson did most of the work…blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

It occurs to me that Patterson’s sitting on a gold mine. I mean in addition to the thirty-four he already owns… he needs to find a time machine and go back in American history and team up with some of the early chief execs. I’ve already written the blurbs for him, he just needs to add the filler. OK, here we go…blank vertical space, 24 pixels highPhony satiric book title The Father Of Our Country Is Missing by George Washington and James Patterson

blank vertical space, 16 pixels highPresident George Washcloth must gird his wig and go undercover to foil a Loyalist plot. The King George Fan Club (Philadelphia chapter) has kidnapped Ben Franklin and plans to use his Kite Zapper Thing to blow up all the state capitols.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

Amabel “Mabel” Winsome, orphaned during the war and now an attractive self-taught cipher expert, has found details of the plot encrypted in Poor Richard’s Almanack. Washcloth takes out his wooden dentures and loads a derringer, a jackknife, a compass, and a breath mint into the secret compartments…blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

read moreblank vertical space, 16 pixels highPhony satiric book title The President And Sally Are Missing by Thomas Jefferson and James Pattersonblank vertical space, 16 pixels high

President Thomas Jeffers is thinking about how good his mansion, Montiviola, would look on the back of a nickel, when he learns that forgers have rewritten the Constitution to say, “Thou shalt play cricket and drink tea, thou shalt NOT play baseball and drink beer.” They’ve also deleted the part about being entitled to the pursuit of happiness.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

As the nation plunges into misery, Jeffers consults his slave friend Sally…blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

read moreblank vertical space, 16 pixels high

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About Mark: I’m an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, social media, and content marketing. My images are different, like your brand needs to be.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

You can view my portfolio, and connect with me on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

Questions? Send me an email.blank vertical space, 40 pixels highRecommendation testimonial for Mark Armstrong Illustration from Angela Zimmerman, Editor-in-Chief, Crawdaddy Magazine

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