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How To Write A Book With Someone Who Died In 1799

April 18, 2022

Caricature of best-selling author James Patterson holding up pencils and finger puppets of early American presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Martin Van Buren, and William Henry Harrisonblank vertical space, 24 pixels highI write about marketing and illustration on this blog, but I also write humor pieces which I publish on the Medium platform.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

I have a new one about bestselling author James Patterson. Here are a few excerpts. You can read the whole thing here.blank vertical space, 40 pixels high

James Patterson— how many books has that guy written, anyway?? They’re full of sex and murder and the plots are absurd, but they sell a billion-jillion copies, and you can’t wait for the next one because they’re so much easier to read than Ulysses or War and Peace.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

Mr. Patterson teamed up with former president Bill Clinton to write The President Is Missing. A stylometric analysis indicates the President really was missing when the book was being written. Patterson did most of the work…blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

It occurs to me that Patterson’s sitting on a gold mine. I mean in addition to the thirty-four he already owns… he needs to find a time machine and go back in American history and team up with some of the early chief execs. I’ve already written the blurbs for him, he just needs to add the filler. OK, here we go…blank vertical space, 24 pixels highPhony satiric book title The Father Of Our Country Is Missing by George Washington and James Patterson

blank vertical space, 16 pixels highPresident George Washcloth must gird his wig and go undercover to foil a Loyalist plot. The King George Fan Club (Philadelphia chapter) has kidnapped Ben Franklin and plans to use his Kite Zapper Thing to blow up all the state capitols.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

Amabel “Mabel” Winsome, orphaned during the war and now an attractive self-taught cipher expert, has found details of the plot encrypted in Poor Richard’s Almanack. Washcloth takes out his wooden dentures and loads a derringer, a jackknife, a compass, and a breath mint into the secret compartments…blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

read moreblank vertical space, 16 pixels highPhony satiric book title The President And Sally Are Missing by Thomas Jefferson and James Pattersonblank vertical space, 16 pixels high

President Thomas Jeffers is thinking about how good his mansion, Montiviola, would look on the back of a nickel, when he learns that forgers have rewritten the Constitution to say, “Thou shalt play cricket and drink tea, thou shalt NOT play baseball and drink beer.” They’ve also deleted the part about being entitled to the pursuit of happiness.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

As the nation plunges into misery, Jeffers consults his slave friend Sally…blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

read moreblank vertical space, 16 pixels high

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About Mark: I’m an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, social media, and content marketing. My images are different, like your brand needs to be.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

You can view my portfolio, and connect with me on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.blank vertical space, 16 pixels high

Questions? Send me an email.blank vertical space, 40 pixels highRecommendation testimonial for Mark Armstrong Illustration from Angela Zimmerman, Editor-in-Chief, Crawdaddy Magazine

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. April 18, 2022 11:51 AM

    I read one of Patterson’s books… that was one too many.
    Hillary Clinton teamed up with Louise Penny to write ‘State of Terror.’ A stylometric analysis of that book suggests Hillary had way too much input into the story…


    • April 18, 2022 5:05 PM

      Haw!!– yer killin’ me here, Savvy Book Critic of the North!! I, too, have read exactly one JP book, and my conclusion was the same: never again!! Hope you and The Car Guy had a wonderfully joyous Easter!!


      • April 18, 2022 5:59 PM

        Easter greetings so you too! We spent Easter with our best friends. Now that we are all vaxxed and have had Covid, it was a carefree and joyous way to celebrate!


  2. April 18, 2022 12:00 PM

    I can’t get past the first illustration! I LOVE finger puppets. Where can I buy a set of those? I’d like a full set of all the Presidents please. Thank you very much.

    I had no idea you wrote special humor pieces for another site. I’m looking forward to reading more of the wonderful things that fall out of your mind. 🙂

    You are so creative, my friend.


    • April 18, 2022 5:15 PM

      I couldn’t respond to your comment right away, I was floating up by the ceiling, you see… 🥰 Thank you, dear Maddie! A complete set of Presidential Finger Puppets– now there’s an idea! You could drum your fingers and give ’em all a headache!! I’ll get started on it right away, as soon as I cross myself with a 3-D printer… 😅

      Many thanks for the kind words, I shall endeavor to amuse… hope you had a lovely Easter, you good egg, you! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Steve Campbell permalink
    April 18, 2022 2:14 PM

    Ha ha! Wonderful humor and illustrations, Mark.
    I’ve never heard of Medium (other than the ones I write about). When I have time to browse the Interweb, I’ll have to check it out.
    I’ve never read any of James Patterson’s books, so when I have time … no … probably not. Too many books on my TBR list. But I think I could set aside time for a book like The President’s Sideburns Are Missing. Sounds like a real hair razor!


    • April 18, 2022 5:41 PM

      Ha!!– thanks so much, Steve. Yes, Medium’s an interesting platform, definitely worth exploring. I gotta admit, I’d buy any thriller with Martin Van Buren (or his alter ego, Martin Van Burdock) in it– it’s about time we had a hero with sideburns, even if they wind up on the barber’s floor!! Always great to hear from you– hope you’re well, and a belated Happy Easter to you!! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      • Steve Campbell permalink
        April 18, 2022 6:02 PM

        A belated Happy Easter to you too! All is well here; just waiting for warmer weather to take hold before it’s time to install the air conditioner. 😄


  4. April 19, 2022 6:47 PM

    Hey now!
    Mark… you seem to be more on Twitter than WP.
    Lol! That’s okay. I still love you!


    • April 23, 2022 12:43 PM

      Whoa!!– a comment from the World’s Top Dress Designer and Costumer Extraordinaire??– this is a momentous occasion indeed!! Hi, Resa! Lovely to see you, thanks for stopping by! Yes, Twitter’s too easy, especially for a spout-off guy like me!! I must refocus on WP and provide posts worthy of your visits!! I feel the love, and I must return it!! 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      • April 25, 2022 2:18 PM

        Right on!
        Twitter is a flitter!
        Not sure what to do if Musk buys it?
        WP is prettier.
        LOL Feel the heat! 😘😘


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