W.C. Fields Haikus: How To Turn His 1-Liners into 3-Liners

You’ve never heard of W.C. Fields?? You must be younger than 100!!

OK, he was even before my time.

Here’s an excerpt from his Turner Classic Movies biography:

A gambler and card-shark, a gin drinker, and hater of children, iconic actor- comedian W.C. Fields was all these things and more — a pool hustler, a juggler and an ordinary man struggling against life.

Fields spoke directly to what made us human — our dark desires, the unspoken urge for meanness, all the while making us laugh when he got away with it.

William Claude Dukenfield was born on Jan. 29, 1880 and raised in Philadelphia, PA. His mother’s withering asides about neighbors fueled what would become one of Field’s classic bits — smiling openly while delivering tart-tongued comments under his breath.

It’s hard not to laugh at Fields’ mocking and sarcastic quips, like the one above about how he never drinks water because it’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

For some reason the idea of haikus popped into my head, and I wondered what the quip would sound like in haiku form. So I wrote one:

I always abstain
From H2O because it
Corrodes metal tubes

Then I thought: what a concept!! — I should do a whole post on it!! My fans will love it!!!

Yup, that’s what I told myself. 🤔🥱😴

So here are 10 of Fields’ best one-liners in haiku form, followed by the actual quip itself — hope you enjoy them!

Endured an annum
Where they make gooey cheesesteaks
’Twas on the Sabbath

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

Pack a little hooch
To treat slithery fang nips
Also: pack an asp

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”

Equine smarts are what
Prevent nags from wagering
On two-legged dopes

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

A person who loathes
Underage humans and beasts
Has redeeming traits

“Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.”

Given the opp to
Do it again I’d reside
Above a tavern

“If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.”

Upon arising
Contort your lips convexly
Then dismiss false hope

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

Hark! Tiny footfalls
A height-challenged manservant
Is truly unique

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

Shrewd feline eats cheese
Then blows into rodents’ lairs
With tempting exhales

“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

Patsies aren’t worthy
Of The Rules of Queensberry
I mean, don’t go there

“Never give a sucker an even break.”

A daughter of Eve
Put demon rum in my hand
I ne’er said danke

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”

In researching this post, I learned Fields was also a skilled artist who drew cartoons for newspapers, as well as posters for his shows. A cartoonist?? Hey, he’s all right with me!! You can see samples of his work here.

You can also watch this short documentary about him on YouTube.

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About Mark: I’m an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, social media, and content marketing. My images are different, like your brand needs to be.

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