How To Write A Book With Someone Who Died In 1799
I write about marketing and illustration on this blog, but I also write humor pieces which I publish on the Medium platform.
I have a new one about bestselling author James Patterson. Here are a few excerpts. You can read the whole thing here.
James Patterson— how many books has that guy written, anyway?? They’re full of sex and murder and the plots are absurd, but they sell a billion-jillion copies, and you can’t wait for the next one because they’re so much easier to read than Ulysses or War and Peace.
Mr. Patterson teamed up with former president Bill Clinton to write The President Is Missing. A stylometric analysis indicates the President really was missing when the book was being written. Patterson did most of the work…
It occurs to me that Patterson’s sitting on a gold mine. I mean in addition to the thirty-four he already owns… he needs to find a time machine and go back in American history and team up with some of the early chief execs. I’ve already written the blurbs for him, he just needs to add the filler. OK, here we go…
President George Washcloth must gird his wig and go undercover to foil a Loyalist plot. The King George Fan Club (Philadelphia chapter) has kidnapped Ben Franklin and plans to use his Kite Zapper Thing to blow up all the state capitols.
Amabel “Mabel” Winsome, orphaned during the war and now an attractive self-taught cipher expert, has found details of the plot encrypted in Poor Richard’s Almanack. Washcloth takes out his wooden dentures and loads a derringer, a jackknife, a compass, and a breath mint into the secret compartments…
President Thomas Jeffers is thinking about how good his mansion, Montiviola, would look on the back of a nickel, when he learns that forgers have rewritten the Constitution to say, “Thou shalt play cricket and drink tea, thou shalt NOT play baseball and drink beer.” They’ve also deleted the part about being entitled to the pursuit of happiness.
As the nation plunges into misery, Jeffers consults his slave friend Sally…
About Mark: I’m an illustrator specializing in humor, branding, social media, and content marketing. My images are different, like your brand needs to be.
You can view my portfolio, and connect with me on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.
Questions? Send me an email.
I read one of Patterson’s books… that was one too many.
Hillary Clinton teamed up with Louise Penny to write ‘State of Terror.’ A stylometric analysis of that book suggests Hillary had way too much input into the story…
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Haw!!– yer killin’ me here, Savvy Book Critic of the North!! I, too, have read exactly one JP book, and my conclusion was the same: never again!! Hope you and The Car Guy had a wonderfully joyous Easter!!
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Easter greetings so you too! We spent Easter with our best friends. Now that we are all vaxxed and have had Covid, it was a carefree and joyous way to celebrate!
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I can’t get past the first illustration! I LOVE finger puppets. Where can I buy a set of those? I’d like a full set of all the Presidents please. Thank you very much.
I had no idea you wrote special humor pieces for another site. I’m looking forward to reading more of the wonderful things that fall out of your mind. 🙂
You are so creative, my friend.
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I couldn’t respond to your comment right away, I was floating up by the ceiling, you see… 🥰 Thank you, dear Maddie! A complete set of Presidential Finger Puppets– now there’s an idea! You could drum your fingers and give ’em all a headache!! I’ll get started on it right away, as soon as I cross myself with a 3-D printer… 😅
Many thanks for the kind words, I shall endeavor to amuse… hope you had a lovely Easter, you good egg, you! 😊
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Ha ha! Wonderful humor and illustrations, Mark.
I’ve never heard of Medium (other than the ones I write about). When I have time to browse the Interweb, I’ll have to check it out.
I’ve never read any of James Patterson’s books, so when I have time … no … probably not. Too many books on my TBR list. But I think I could set aside time for a book like The President’s Sideburns Are Missing. Sounds like a real hair razor!
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Ha!!– thanks so much, Steve. Yes, Medium’s an interesting platform, definitely worth exploring. I gotta admit, I’d buy any thriller with Martin Van Buren (or his alter ego, Martin Van Burdock) in it– it’s about time we had a hero with sideburns, even if they wind up on the barber’s floor!! Always great to hear from you– hope you’re well, and a belated Happy Easter to you!! 😊
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A belated Happy Easter to you too! All is well here; just waiting for warmer weather to take hold before it’s time to install the air conditioner. 😄
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Hey now!
Mark… you seem to be more on Twitter than WP.
Lol! That’s okay. I still love you!
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Whoa!!– a comment from the World’s Top Dress Designer and Costumer Extraordinaire??– this is a momentous occasion indeed!! Hi, Resa! Lovely to see you, thanks for stopping by! Yes, Twitter’s too easy, especially for a spout-off guy like me!! I must refocus on WP and provide posts worthy of your visits!! I feel the love, and I must return it!! 😘
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Right on!
Twitter is a flitter!
Not sure what to do if Musk buys it?
WP is prettier.
LOL Feel the heat! 😘😘
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Is it getting warm in here, or is it just me?? 😁💦😍😘
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Honey, it’s always about to boil over here! 😵💫🙄😰
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😳🤩😜😍❤️❤️❤️🔥🔥🔥🚀💥🚑💨👍😘😊
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Hahaha!!!! The Art Gowns Models are on 🔥!!!!
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